


You're Crying, Todd

by orpikjam44



Series: I'll Make It Right [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Break Up, Gay, Hockey, M/M, NHL RPF, Psychological Trauma, Romance, Trust Issues, Vancouver Canucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-27
Updated: 2013-12-27
Packaged: 2018-01-06 08:09:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1104475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orpikjam44/pseuds/orpikjam44
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompted from a block of wonderful tags <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/nebulia">nebulia</a> made on Tumblr. Nazzy feels betrayed by Bert's actions and Bert will do anything to fix what he feels he single-handedly shattered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're Crying, Todd

_CHAPTER ONE_

Bert can’t stop shaking.

It’s been a month since _The Moore Incident_ \-- the words still bringing a cold sweat to his body and a tremble to his fingers. It’s been a blur, a whirl of emotion, anxiety and robotic motions Bert can barely remember. The pain sticks, though, the pain of the day it happened, the pain of everyone involved, of the press, of the memory of what Moore had done to his best friend, Markus Naslund, prior to the Incident.

What hurt the worst, though, was that same friend. The way he and Nazzy had talked had changed since then, and he couldn’t grasp it. He wanted to grab Nazzy by his shoulders and beg him to say what was on his mind.

It wouldn’t work, though, of course it wouldn’t. Not with Nazzy. And he’d never do anything so violent towards Nazzy, not anything close.

On the surface, it doesn’t seem like much has changed between the two. None of their teammates noticed, and if they did, they passed it off as neither one of them being able to handle the aftermath of the _Incident_.

For the third time that day, Bert is sitting in his car outside of Nazzy’s house, hand on the wheel, engine running. He wants to go in. Why would that be strange? It wasn’t like they didn’t talk, didn’t see each other every day, didn’t still kiss and touch and -- was that what was different? Maybe. No, Nazzy just seemed distant now, like something was always on his mind, but he didn’t want to bring it to light.

He did that, though, it wasn’t unusual. But usually Bert could dig out what was bothering him and bring back that shy giddiness he loved so much about Nazzy. That warmed his heart, made him want to bring his Captain into a tighter hug than usual, squeeze him close and feel him breathing, feel his heart beating against his own pulse.

Bert’s fingers drum on the steering wheel. He wants that again. He can feel Nazzy’s warm body in his big arms, and he needs it again. He shuts off the engine, finally, and strides up to Nazzy’s door, cocky smile in place.

Before he can knock, the door opens.

Nazzy’s standing there, grinning, wearing a pink polo shirt and plaid pajama pants. It’s late, he’d probably been getting ready for sleep, Bert thinks with a smile. “Mr. Bertuzzi, what a surprise,” he says. “Not like I saw your car idling out there for fifteen minutes.”

“Markus,” Bert says, leaning against the doorframe, enjoying how Nazzy’s eyes explore his body before quickly snapping back up to meet his gaze. “Can I come in?”

“I was about to go to sleep,” Nazzy confirms, turning to head to the kitchen, leaving the door open for Bert. “I’ll sleep better with my bodyguard with me. Wine? I have a nice merlot you’ll like.”

Bert grunts an agreement and slowly follows Nazzy’s footsteps to the kitchen. Nazzy has problems handling situations sometimes, but usually Bert has been his security blanket, his strong arm to lean on. Since the _Incident_ , though, he can’t shake the feeling that Nazzy is almost _afraid_ of him now.

But it could be the stress, right? The past month has been a whirlwind, and he’s been unstable in it, and maybe Nazzy isn’t sure how to handle that?

Markus is standing there in the kitchen, a bottle of wine in one hand, two glasses in the other. He’s got one leg crossed over the other, leaning his hip against the counter. “Something wrong, Bert?”

“No.” Bert holds out a hand for one of the glasses. “You look good.”

“You saw me yesterday. You’re acting like it’s been weeks.”

“Feels like it. Time’s passing all funky.” Bert clears his throat, trying to cover up the lump that formed there, almost bringing tears to his eyes. The way Nazzy’s clothes fall softly over his strong body so innocently, his pose, that sweet smile and those big, pleading eyes. How could anyone hurt that man? How could Moore have--

“You’re crying, Todd, you’re--” Nazzy cuts off, putting the glasses down to touch Bert’s face with his fingertips. “Todd--”

Bert pulls him into a tight hug, squeezing him close to his chest, his hand resting behind Nazzy’s head, fingers gently stroking his soft hair where he’s burying his nose. He hadn’t realized he was crying until Nazzy pointed it out, but now he can feel the tears flowing freely down his cheeks. “Baby, I’m sorry, I don’t like--”

“Crying around me, I know,” Nazzy says, voice muffled in Bert’s big chest. “Todd, you’re crushing me.”

Bert releases his grip, but only lets his boyfriend out to an arm’s length away. He bites his lip before speaking. “Naz, we gotta talk.”

“We talk,” Nazzy said, eyes cutting away for a second.

“Yes, about everything _else._ Nazzy, something’s going on and it’s driving me nuts.”

“We’re all going nuts. This isn’t easy on anyone. Especially you.”

Bert strokes a finger lovingly down Nazzy’s jaw. “Or you.”

“That doesn’t matter, I’m fine, Todd. Let me get our wine, and we can go up to my room, okay? Please.”

Bert feels trapped as Nazzy slips from his arms, filling the glasses maybe a bit too much before pressing one into Bert’s hands. He gives him a smile and Bert notices he’s still holding the bottle along with his own glass. “Not just looking for a quick sip before bed, are you?” Bert asks, but doesn’t get a response.

They’d been in Nazzy’s room just last night, clothes off, breath hot, hands eagerly exploring each others bodies, just like always, but when Bert follows Nazzy in there this night, it felt like he hasn’t been there in years.

Nazzy sat on the edge of the bed, already drinking his wine before he was settled, legs crossed, socked foot tapping on the floor. He smiles, but the sadness behind it stops Bert from returning the gesture.

“We need to talk,” Bert says again.

“We need to drink,” Nazzy responds, tapping Bert’s glass with his own, grinning at the _tink_ sound they made.

“If we drink, will you talk?”

“Probably not. Who says I will anyway?”

Bert takes a sip of his wine, watching Nazzy gulp his down out of the corner of his eye. It’s good, too good to be drinking so fast. “Is it the suspension? I’m still here to support you, I’m there as physically and emotionally as I can be without pulling on my pads, Naz.”

“It’s not the suspension, but that doesn’t help. I’m not mad. It had to be done, didn’t it?”

“Yeah. Then what is it?”

He’s drinking again, most of his glass is gone, and he refills it before it’s empty. He takes another sip before continuing. “No. Not that.”

“We’ve established that.” He reaches out to touch Nazzy’s cheek, stopping when he sees the older man flinch. He drops his hand down by his side, unconsciously clenching it in the sheets. “That’s what I’m talking about, Naz. I scare you. I see you tremble when we’re close, you flinch when I come to touch you, you were never like that! A month ago, when I’d move close to you, you’d practically fall into me!”

“I do still,” Nazzy says, but Bert can tell he’s not even convincing himself of that.

He squeezes his eyes shut. Did Nazzy see his tears again? Was he ignoring them, or had he just not looked up from his lap yet? “Naz, I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Bert sighs, putting his glass down on the nightstand. He scoots closer to his teammate, slipping his hand up under the back of Nazzy’s pink shirt, tracing his fingertips over Nazzy’s spine, caressing the warm skin. He slips his hand around to Nazzy’s side, hiking his shirt up as he moves his palm up to his ribs. “You gonna react?”

“Sorry.” Nazzy takes another drink of his wine and leans his head against Bert’s chest. “I’m a little distracted tonight.”

“You’ve got that wrong. You’re distracted every night.”

“Sorry.”

“No more sorry! Nazzy, what’s happ--”

Nazzy knocks back the rest of his glass, dropping the bottle on the floor and grabs Bert up by the front of his shirt. He pulls him into a tight kiss and Bert can taste the alcohol on his breath. Now he’s the one pulling back, but Nazzy won’t let up, clambering on top of the bigger man and shoving his tongue down Bert’s throat.

“Fuck me,” Nazzy whispers hot into Bert’s ear, his fingers curling into Bert’s shirt.

As much as Bert wants to give into Nazzy’s wishes, he can’t do it. Not now. He swoops his arms around the smaller man, pinning him down on the bed, pressing him into the fluffy blankets. “Naz! Stop! You’re just trying to distract--” He freezes, heart pounding. The terror in Nazzy’s eyes is almost paralyzing. “Naz... Please... This is killing me. I know you don’t want to talk about it, I know it’s hard, but _please_ just tell me, okay?”

Nazzy bites his lip and Bert almost wishes the older man would just start crying instead of continuing to stare up at him with that petrifying fear. “You scare me, Bert.”

Bert gulps down air, nodding slowly. He knows that, but he’s glad it’s being said out loud. That’s a start. That’s more than was said in the last month since the _Incident._ “Please. Tell me more. I know I do. Why is this hurting our relationship so bad?”

“It’s not,” Nazzy says, a twinge of annoyance in his voice, his fingers playing with the collar of Bert’s shirt. “Todd--” He cuts himself off, squeezing his eyes shut. Now he’s crying. Really crying. “I’m scared of you! I never was! You were my best friend and my bodyguard and when we finally started dating-- Todd, I’m terrified because I’ve never been scared of you in my life!”

Bert releases his grip on Nazzy’s shoulders, but his teammate doesn’t move. “I’m sorry, I don’t know--”

“I’m scared you could do that to me!” He sits up straight, teeth clenched, tears soaking his cheeks. Bert aches to wipe them away, but can’t bring himself to do it. “Just seeing that you’re capable of something like that, I don’t know what to do! What if I made you mad?! What if something bad happened?! Todd, my bodyguard, my protector, my baby... almost killed someone _for me!_ You did that for me, and that hurts the most!”

“Listen, Naz--”

“You could have killed a man just because he hit me hard! It’s hockey, Todd! You’ve hit people the wrong way before, what if someone killed you over it?!”

Bert doesn’t know what to say, all he hopes is that he doesn’t start crying again, too. _That’s all we’d need, two grown men bawling their eyes out together in bed. Fuck._

Nazzy wipes his eyes, sniffing loudly. When he recollects himself, his voice is lower, but still shaking. “I like your style of play. It’s exciting. Hell, it turns me on when you’re out there being your macho, bad-boy self. I love that. But, Todd, this went too far and... why did it have to be over me?! If that kid would have died, it would have been my fault, too! It would have been _all_ my fault!”

“Naz,” he coos, trying to slip his arms around his boyfriend, wanting desperately to hold him close and kiss away his tears and nuzzle away his fear and sadness. _But I’m the reason for it this time..._ “Ple--”

Nazzy pushes his arms away, staring up into Bert’s dark eyes. “Bert, we need to take some time. I can’t do this. I’m scared every time I see you. I don’t know what’s changing in you, I don’t like looking at you and seeing that all playing out. I don’t like imagining you being able to _kill someone._ ”

He’s heard it all before. Not from Nazzy, no. From the press, from the angry fans, from everyone around him speaking it in hushed whispers they thought he couldn’t hear. He’s heard it in his own head, but hearing those words from Nazzy felt like an axe in his throat. Sure, he’d done it for Nazzy, but everyone was pissed. Everyone hated Moore for what he’d done to their Captain -- to Bert’s lover. It easily could have been Cookie that did the same thing. Would Nazzy have been this afraid of Cookie?

No, that wasn’t it. It was because he’d betrayed Nazzy’s trust. He’d gone beyond what Nazzy thought he was capable of -- of what he thought he was capable of -- and done something traumatic to the very man he loved and wanted to protect.

He’d hurt him worse than Moore ever could have.

“Naz, how do I make this right?” he asks, voice calm, cool, not reflecting the self-loathing and pain boiling inside him.

Nazzy shakes his head, shrugging. “I don’t know. Bert, we need time apart. We need to just... I need to calm down and think. And be away. From all this.”

_All this._

“Naz, you need someone,” Bert says quickly, laying a hand on Nazzy’s knee, thumb stroking him through the warm fabric. “I know you, angel, you need someone--”

Nazzy pushes his hand off. “I do, but I’m so scared of him right now, so that’s not going got help me. I’m tackling this alone, because I don’t have another choice, okay? Please, I need to be alone tonight.”

Bert can’t move. Physically. He’s paralyzed to the spot. “Naz, but--”

Nazzy’s up, walking to the door. He points, tears still dripping off his chin. “Go. Please. Todd, I need to be alone, and I need to have time to figure this out. We’ve been pretending everything’s okay for a month now, and it’s just making it worse. Go!”

Bert’s standing now, striding towards the door. He bites his lip when he sees the fear pop in Nazzy’s eyes. He’s mad now, but he’ll never touch Nazzy, never hurt him. Ever. “I haven’t been pretending, Naz! You’ve been making me feel better through this whole thing, and that’s all I ever wanted from you! You don’t get it! I love you!”

“Stop shouting,” Nazzy says, turning away as Bert draws closer. “Just go.”

He doesn’t want to. He wants to shake some sense into his boyfriend, tell him everything’s going to be okay. “Something very bad happened and I’m paying for it, I don’t need to pay for it from you, too!”

“I can’t be with you!” Nazzy shouts back, pointing out the door. “You’re making this worse! Everything is worse! Everything is bad, just go!”

Bert has never felt so cold in his life, like he was just thrown in an icy river, the water freezing the blood in his veins. He’s shaking, probably crying. He can’t tell. It’s like he’s watching the scene from somewhere far away, out of his body. He wants to shout, but he can’t. He wants to run, but he can’t. He wants to hold Nazzy’s warm body against his, bring the heat back to his heart, but that’s the last thing he can do.

_“GO!”_

Bert doesn’t say anything, and before he knows it, he’s in his car, cranking over the engine, teeth clenched so hard he’s afraid they’ll crack in two. He just wants to be gone. He wants to leave and never come back. Not just Nazzy, everything. Can things have actually ended like that?! _No! There’s no way!_


End file.
